If you’re reading this, something has probably caught your attention. Maybe your child has gone quiet after school, or suddenly hates the bus, or keeps “losing” things. It might be nothing. It might be a bad week. But bullying is common, and children are very good at hiding it, so it’s worth knowing what to look for.
At Bellicose Martial Arts in Crofton, helping kids handle bullying is a big part of what we do. Our head instructor, Professor Charles Cherry, is a Board Certified Behavior Analyst and retired federal law enforcement officer who wrote the book Bully Proofing Your Child. This guide pulls together what we see on the mat and what we tell the families we work with.
Why kids don’t tell you
Children keep bullying to themselves for reasons that make sense from where they’re standing. They feel embarrassed. They worry you’ll make it worse by calling the school. They think it’s their fault, or that telling makes them a “snitch.” Some kids honestly don’t have the words for what’s happening, especially when it’s exclusion or teasing rather than anything physical.
That’s why the signs usually show up sideways, in behavior, before they show up in a conversation.
Signs to watch for
No single sign proves anything. What matters is a change from what’s normal for your child, especially when several of these show up together.
At home
- Unexplained bruises, scratches or torn clothes
- Belongings, lunch money or devices that keep going missing or coming home broken
- Frequent headaches or stomachaches, especially on school mornings
- Trouble sleeping, bad dreams, or changes in eating
- Coming home hungry, which can mean lunch was taken or skipped to avoid the cafeteria
Around school
- Not wanting to go to school, ride the bus, or go to practice
- Taking a longer or odd route home
- Grades slipping or a sudden loss of interest in schoolwork
Mood and friendships
- Losing friends, or no longer being invited to things
- Seeming anxious, withdrawn, irritable or quick to cry
- Talking about themselves negatively: “Nobody likes me,” “I’m stupid”
- Getting upset after being on their phone, tablet or gaming console, or suddenly avoiding them
How to start the conversation
Asking “Are you being bullied?” usually gets a quick “No.” Softer, specific questions work better, and they work best when you’re side by side, in the car or on a walk, instead of face to face across the table.
- “Who did you sit with at lunch today?”
- “Is there anyone at school who makes you feel bad about yourself?”
- “What’s the bus ride like these days?”
- “If something was bothering you, who would you tell?”
If your child opens up, stay calm. Your reaction teaches them whether it’s safe to tell you again. Thank them for telling you, make it clear it isn’t their fault, and don’t promise to keep it a secret. Promise instead that you’ll work out the next step together.
What to do next
- Write it down. Dates, names, what happened and where. Save screenshots of anything online.
- Talk to the school. Contact the teacher or counselor, share what you’ve documented, and follow up in writing.
- Don’t contact the other family yourself. It usually escalates things. Let the school handle it.
- Don’t tell your child to hit back. It can get them hurt or suspended, and it doesn’t fix the problem.
- Keep checking in. One conversation isn’t enough. Ask again in a few days, and again after that.
Give your child a plan they can use
Telling a child to “just ignore it” or “stand up for yourself” leaves them without a plan when it’s actually happening. Kids do much better with a short, simple sequence they’ve practiced so many times it becomes automatic. In our Bully Defense System, that sequence is:
- Stay calm. Pause, breathe, and don’t respond with anger or panic.
- Use words. A clear, confident instruction: “Stop. I don’t like that.”
- Create space. Move away, keep distance, and don’t get pulled into an argument.
- Get support. Tell a teacher, parent, coach or another trusted adult.
- Stay safe. Physical skills are a last resort to stay safe, never a way to get even.
You can practice this at home with a little role play. Take turns being the bully and the target. Have your child stand tall, look you in the eye and say “Stop. I don’t like that” in a strong voice. It feels silly at first, and that’s fine. Repetition is what makes it show up under stress.
Where martial arts helps
Children who get picked on are often the ones who look unsure: eyes down, shoulders in, a quiet voice. Good martial arts training changes that from the outside in. Kids learn to stand with good posture, use a confident voice, hold eye contact and stay calm when someone is in their space. Those things alone make many kids a less appealing target.
It isn’t about teaching kids to fight. Our goal is to help children become capable, confident young people who handle conflict with maturity, respect and good judgment. Walking away, reporting a problem and controlling their own behavior are signs of strength, and we teach them that way.
Families in Crofton, Bowie, Odenton and Annapolis usually start with one of two programs for ages 5 to 13:
- Bully Defense System: Boxing and Muay Thai fundamentals plus the five step response above, taught with role play, discussion and repetition.
- Kids Brazilian Jiu Jitsu: control, not aggression. Kids learn to stay calm and safe if a situation ever gets physical, without throwing a punch.
Many kids do both. If your child has autism, ADHD or another developmental difference, call us at (240) 286-5219. Professor Cherry uses his behavior analysis training to help kids with different needs, and we’re happy to talk it through before the first class.
When to get help right away
If your child is hurt, being threatened, or talks about not wanting to live or about hurting themselves, don’t wait. Contact the school and your pediatrician, and call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time of day. Call 911 in an emergency.
The short version
Watch for changes, not single signs. Ask gentle, specific questions. Stay calm when they tell you, write things down and bring in the school. Then give your child a plan they’ve practiced, and the confidence to use it.
If you’d like to see how we teach that, your child’s first class is free. Book a free class and a coach will walk you both through everything.
